Splinter

I have encountered this meme on FB the other day, which depicted a man, dressed in black leather, standing above a kneeling naked woman. The caption saying:

*The wannabe Dom thinks only of themselves, while the Dominant thinks only of their submissive.*
*The wannabe sub thinks only of themselves, while the submissive thinks only of their Dominant.*

Aside from the fact that absolutes don’t really apply to human beings, I think that dominance and submission have very little to do with this kind of simplicity.

People arrive at this lifestyle with histories of experiences, preconditioned emotional responses or as some call it ‘baggage’. We all have it, by the way, but only few are consciously aware of their own. We have lived, loved, suffered, despaired, got back up, etc. At some point in time we have watched or read or experienced something that got us interested. That something ‘just sounded right’, or in other words triggered a sense memory of lack and its possible fulfilment. This is at the basis of it all – our own fulfilment. Regardless of what it is that we believe might bring that fulfilment, whether dominating or submitting, it is ultimately our own fulfilment that we all seek.

Giving and receiving is a maga issue in the human psyche. Everything we do, everything we are, is a play on giving and receiving. We work (giving), we earn money (receiving), we provide emotional labour and receive emotional labour/gifts/money/status/etc., we perform oral service, and receive appreciation/love/acceptance, etc.

Sometimes however, because of our early experiences, our emotional responses to giving and receiving get a bit confused. Giving becomes easier than receiving, less gilt, shame, embracement, etc. receiving requires a higher level of self-acceptance and love. In other words, we need to love ourselves to such a degree that we are able to recognize that we are deserving and worthy of the good things that people wish to give us. These include love, pleasure, money, emotional labour, or in some cases just space in their lives. This kind of self-love and appreciation takes a great deal of self-development, which some of us are still doing and some are ignoring (no judgement).

In relationships which are not acknowledged as power exchange based, which develop ‘organically’, we begin with unrestricted giving, whatever giving means for each of us. At some point, however, consciously or unconsciously we expect to receive. When we feel that we haven’t received the same amount of whatever receiving is for you, we become resentful and frustrated. We obviously don’t communicate it to the other person, in the majority of cases we aren’t even aware of the skewed balance, or its reasons. We just do the passive aggressive dance, or just aggressive, or leave. Realizing what we want and asking for it feels unfulfilling or missing the point somehow. Gifts are supposed to come from the heart; if we need to ask for them, we feel that the other is doing us a favour, which for some feels humiliating.

When we imagine a power exchange relationship, we imagine being forced to receive, without the need to ask for it. Both dominants and submissives hope that in such a relationship the gifts will come without the feelings of guilt or shame, (unless in play of course). We all yearn for such a magical transformation of universal laws that our suffering, frustration and resentment will disappear. We yearn and dream of a counterpart who will take these feelings away, by giving us what we want without us needing to ask. In other words, we hope for a relationship in which our counterpart will consider giving as taking and taking as giving.

In this imaginary scenario the statements above make perfect sense. In reality these statements should read:

*A real Dominant will teach us to love ourselves enough to be able to accept love, appreciation, pleasure, forgiveness etc.*
*A real submissive will teach us the same.*

And when we have learnt this lesson, we move on, forward, away and remember the person who has changed us forever, for the better.

I always come back to that one simple question. Just like in meditation, when your mind wanders and you gently bring it back to what you are meditating about, so is this question which needs to be brought back and stay in your conscious mind.
It is that one question, that has changed my life many times over: "What do I want".

Sometimes my mind forgets to ask it and it is my 'job' to bring it back to it. There is nothing more important nor more useful. It should be at the forefront of everyone's mind and if possible engraved on every wall of one's mental and emotional house: "What do I want". Sometimes in our busy lives we forget, ignore, don't give enough importance to this question. When that happens we feel unwell, tired, irate or anxious for no reason. This is our higher self trying to bring our attention back to this crucial question.

What I wanted yesterday or a minute ago, isn't necessarily what I want now or a moment from now. It is your responsibility to yourself to constantly monitor these changes for you and only you. It is your responsibility to follow your wants and desires and put them first on your agenda.

It also provides the space between everyone else and you. Your wants and needs should not take into account anybody's opinions, wants or needs. You might decide to indulge some else's wants for a time, but being constantly aware of your own, creates the space for you to make a conscious decision to do so. 

Love and Light to all

 
Many times I am reading messages and ads of people offering service. When they elaborate on the kind of service they are offering I see bondage, anal or impact play. What that means is they are offering their body as a toy to play with.

Others offer domestic service, cleaning, ironing, and gardening.

And then others offer personal service, bath, manicure and sexual service of some sort.

Which one of these is service? The answer: all and none.

Service is giving another person what they need, when they need it. It can be all the above, or none. Every person requiring service has a personal definition of service. But that is the nature of the beast. You are planning to serve another; therefore their requirements of service are what you will need to consider.
 
Kinds of service
 
Passive service and active service
What is the difference between the two kinds of service?
Passive service is doing what you are told.
Active service is initiating action you believe will serve your Dominant. Active service is what I am going to talk about here. If your desire to be submissive to a Dom, so that you won’t be required to think, your desire will not be fulfilled. You need to think all the time. The Dominant, if they are worthy, will be thinking too, learning you, thinking how to use you, how to develop you as a submissive, planning delightful scenarios etc…

 Dedicated service
In some ideologies and religions a life of service is the preferable way to live your life. It illuminates the self serving indulgences and puts your life on a higher plain. You are no longer concentrating on sating your needs and desires and instead seeing the world around you. Instead of asking what that world can do for me, you are asking what I can do to make it better. In terms of spiritual development this life is much preferable to the ordinary life.

Devotional service
Very similar to the dedicated service but it is concentrated on a specific individual. You are not only wishing to live outside of your own desires and urges, but you want to do it for a specific individual whom you see as worthy of your devotion. This kind of service is problematic. When you are dedicating your life to a spiritual progress, the big spirit or the deity is infallible. A person, as wonderful as they may be, is not. What happens when you discover they fart, just like the rest of us? Will they become less worthy in your eyes?

Self satisfying service
This kind of service is a reward of its own. You like doing it. You enjoy performing tasks for another and feel satisfaction from the action itself. This is very rare, but happens occasionally.

Reciprocal service
This is the most common type of service I encountered. The submissive feels so grateful for the play and the attention they want to give something back. That something comes in the form of service. They might enjoy some of it; other parts might bore them to death, but they do it, as ‘payment’ for play and attention. It is problematic but very common. The problem with this sort of service is it varies according to the satisfaction of the submissive. When they feel they have not been played with enough or haven’t received enough attention, their service tends to shrink or disappear altogether.
 
I am not saying that one sort is better than the others; all of them have flaws.
What I am saying is that you need to know which one suits you, and search an arrangement that will offer that specific kind. Or, just like with any ‘job search’. Have a look at what is on offer and adjust your expectations accordingly.
 
Beginnings - When do you offer service?
As a service oriented submissive you are expected to offer service. A dominant will not start requiring it out of the blue.
On one hand, when I meet a person I don’t know whether I will want to spend time with them. I need to get to know them first. However, if while I am getting to know them they don’t offer some sort of hint as to what their service would be like I might cut the acquaintance short.
I am very careful whom I allow to serve me. When service is performed a connection is formed. Expectations can start from there of time spent together, of play etc.
Two questions:

1. How do you get to know someone without a commitment of accepting service from the beginning.
2. How do you provide service in unobtrusive manner that will make the dominant comfortable to begin considering you.

The best way to go about:

1. take one step at a time
2. evaluate after every step
3. control your emotions.
4. 
   

Therefore, in the beginning it should be very delicate and non oppressive. Offer to get a drink when at a party. When at home offer to wash the dishes if you shared a meal. Offer to bring their coat from the cloak room at the end of the party. Little things that show you are observant. When performing these little things, listen and observe. If there is reluctance or a straight out refusal, do not insist. Your schedule might be different from their schedule.

Sometimes they will throw a hint ‘ I am thirsty’, ‘I missed dinner’, ‘my feet are killing me’ ‘I need some fresh air’. When you hear such a hint, offer to ‘solve’ their problem. Offer a drink, a chair, a walk around the block. When you do, the dominant will start feeling more comfortable with you. They may ask you for more.

If you are at a party and they say ‘I am thirsty’ and you say ‘Me too’ I can almost guarantee they will not be impressed. If they need to find you to say ‘I am thirsty’ they will be impressed even less.
Don’t be afraid to serve a dominant even if it is just on a date. You look very desirable to others when you serve. It is the difference between watching a wall flower and a popular person at a party. If someone chose you to accompany them to an event and allowed you to serve them, you must be worth something. If you are just standing at the wall doing nothing, there is no way to know.
If you are at a party escorting a dominant, and you offer service, give your best, if just for one night. Dominants talk to each other. Imagine that dominant talking with their friends and telling them how appalling your service was…

Lifestylers and tourists are very different, but there are a few common traits. We want to feel that there is a possibility of more with the person offering the service. we need to feel interest in the other person. We want to get to know them better. We see that there is a potential for a good relationship. That based on initial contact there is a possibility they might become the submissive of your dreams.

Dominants need to be looked up to. And we want to feel comfortable. Dominants do not want to be taught how we like our service performed.  We don’t like to be taught how to wash floors, clean dust wash dishes. We also do not wish to be taught how we like to be pleasured. We want not to need to do it ourselves.

Conversation
Do not talk about your play interests and limits unless asked. Obviously if a Dom is prepping for play without having asked you, that would be the time to run for the hills. On the other hand if you start talking about your play interests uninvited, you come across as selfish.
General conversation is a very important subject.
One rule to remember:

Dominants are not required to give you listening service.
On one hand they want to be entertained, on the other they don’t want to listen to you talk about yourself all the time. It has to be a conversation, two way conversation, not a monologue, on subjects of interest to the dominant. I cannot stress this enough. If you have trouble starting a conversation wait for them to do so, then offer insights.
You are not required to act dumb. On the other hand you don’t want to appear instructive in your conversation. If the dominant wants to change a subject or just to sit or stand in silence, follow their lead.
Do not argue. If your opinions differ, you can offer your opinion, but do not try convincing them that your opinion is the right one.
Do not criticize your ex to your dominant companion. Do not criticize anybody. Be positive and smile.
 
When you leave their company, take a few moments to write your impressions down. The practical impressions of their habits, and the mental impressions of their conversation.  You will need them all later.
 
When invited home to serve
If you reached that stage the Dominant is considering you seriously. It doesn’t mean you are ‘under consideration’. But it does mean they are ready to test your compatibility for more than just an occasional outing.

Do not volunteer your play interests at this stage either. If they want to play they will ask.
When invited home you will probably be given directions. However some Doms might not, just to see what you will do. If you are not specifically told what to do, look around, play detective. Figure out what needs doing and ask if you may do it.   

Do it gently. Sometimes offering to clean a house can be interpreted as an insult to the dominants ability to keep a clean house.

How to prepare for this moment? Learn skills. Learn to wash dishes and clean a house, if you don’t already know. Learn how to mow lawns and wash cars. Learn how to look at the whole and not just parts. Example: you are asked to prep a cup of coffee. You see the kitchen is a mess. Make that cup of coffee first then ask if you may attend to the kitchen.

Prepare yourself that sometimes the answer may be NO. It is the nature of things. You are aiming at serving another human being. They may decide that what you are offering is not what they want. Accept and move on. If your ego is not up to refusals, perhaps you are not in the right path.

I am aware that male and female doms are very different. Male doms might require physical service much quicker than female domes. But service is service. Both want to see you are eager to serve, in whichever way required. Observe and follow their lead. If you are unsure, simply ask: what would you like me to do? It might sound too simplistic, but it works. It shows you are handing over control.

What do you think about while performing the service?
About the task at hand, while also observing the dominant in case they need something. You do not fantasize or day dream. You think about the cleaning, ironing, or sexually pleasing, if this is the task.

There may be things you will be required to do that do not turn you on. This is to be expected. Do not dwell on them while serving. You will have plenty of time to ponder the future of your relationship later, when back at home.
When you leave their company, take a few moments to write your impressions down. The practical impressions of their habits, and the mental impressions of their conversation.  You will need them all later.

After the first service date
When you are back home, or the next day, have a good think about what transpired at the dominant’s house. Do you think you performed well? Do you think the dominant was happy with your service? Did you also play? Was the play to your liking? I am not talking absolutes here. Rate the different experiences 1-10. Consider whether you want a repeat.

Not everyone likes the same things. When you enter into a relationship of power exchange there will be things that do not turn you on. Some things will even bore you.
You either need to find satisfaction in the fact that your dominant finds them useful and pleasurable. Or you need to just endure them.
I do realize that endurance will only get you so far. If most of the things you do together do not turn you on, I don’t see a future.
However if the things you find boring took 100% of the time, you may want to ask yourself why. Have you discussed anything before your visit? Were you honest about your needs when discussing on line, or on the phone? Did you discuss? Were you asked what your interests are?
Do you think the dominant wants to get to know you better before play? Is there going to be play?
Do you want to see them again? Do they turn you on, in general?
Where do you want this relationship to go? I’ll let you in on a little secret. There is very little a dominant will not do play-wise to a beloved submissive. If your kinks are very out there, perhaps they will ameliorate them to begin with, but with time they will go with you all the way. So when considering whether to proceed keep this in mind.

Moving on -  How to anticipate?
You’ve been invited again. One thing to keep in mind: they are into you and they want to explore further. It is not a done deal; you can still fail, but they already invited you again, when they could have just moved on.

Do not treat this second invitation as your first. You already have an idea what they like from previous dates. You would have already observed some of their habits. On second date you need to come prepared to exercise what you have learnt.

Say hello in the manner you have been instructed and proceed to offer to make them their drink. You probably know what they like from the previous date. If unsure, you can ask. It’s better to ask than to make a mistake, but remembering is more impressive. If you need to ask on the third visit how they like their drink, you probably have not been paying attention.

How do you know when to offer drinks or food? A good trigger is your own thirst or hunger. A better trigger is from your previous observations and their previous instructions. If they told you once not to leave your bag in the doorway, remember not to do it ever again. If they told you to address them in a specific manner do it.

If you know they want to play right away present yourself in the way they like. When play is over, and you’ve come down, don’t just sit there, offer service.
If they liked you cleaning the kitchen don’t ask again, just do. If they liked massage offer it again. Do not assume that after play or an orgasm things are back in vanilla land. Offer to clean after your play.
Concentrate on their behavior. Do they appear tired? Do they appear hyped? Are they restless? How do they relax? Is it in front of the TV? Book? Do they take coffee/tea with their book or movie?
What kind of books or movies do they like? What kind of flowers? Observe and act.
Rule of thumb, do not just sit, unless specifically instructed to do so. If you have nothing to do, look around you and find something useful to do.

Play is exhausting for the dominant as well. Sometimes they just want to relax, by themselves. Show them that they don’t need to send you home to do that. Occupy yourself. If the entire house is already clean and they don’t want any more service just read something.
And most importantly, I’ll stress it again, if they don’t converse, leave them be. You want to make them comfortable. You want them to invite you again, and again.
 
Topics of interest:
How to learn someone’s kitchen (you will need it for prepping meals, making coffee, putting clean dishes back, etc. )
How to learn someone’s house (when asked to fetch something, when you are putting away folded laundry, when prepping a bath etc.)
How to perform a tea service
How to perform dinner service
How to perform bath service
How to perform feet service
How to perform massage as service
How to escort a dominant to an event
How to take care of fetish gear, including leather
 
 
 
 

 
Leather lifestyle has its roots in returning soldiers after WW2. Having been through the war, having faced fear, hunger and cold, and having faced it with others in a regulated hierarchical structure, they could not find their way back to normal society easily. Their families, as much as they were happy to see them, could not provide that level of closeness they knew with their fellow soldiers.
These were the reasons for forming groups and spending time together. They talked, laughed, drank and felt understood completely.

All other elements were reminders, treasured possessions. The boots, the leather, the protocols, they were never the aim. Hierarchy was never the aim. They were all part of their realities at WW2 and carried over to the period thereafter. The aim, the only aim, was to connect on a profound level.
Some soldiers were straight, some gay, as in normal society. Gay soldiers, just like other soldiers, treasured the same memories of closeness, of comradery. They too, wanted to belong, to feel understood. They too, formed groups, which were very similar to the hetro groups, with the addition of sex between the members.

This is the history, this is how it was formed.

We can all understand the feelings of isolation people felt returning home from ww2. They could not find their place in the general society, because they were forever changed by the war. They spent time with their peers to feel a sense of belonging, a sense of being normal, which they couldn’t find in general society.
 
To go back to our groups, after a period of time, the hetro groups fell apart. The members found their way to society, formed families, found jobs etc. The gay groups carried on. They liked spending time together among peers and usually did not integrate into the general society, because being gay was not accepted. At some point they encountered a new situation. There were new people wishing to join the groups. These were younger men, without the experience of war, military or comradery to connect them to the other members. Faced with this challenge, the original members had to come up with a way to integrate these newcomers into the groups. Their challenge was to maintain the exact nature of the groups. The newcomers were interested in that as well. The structure of the groups was what attracted them in the first place. The way to do this was to simulate the forging process which formed the original members. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the war was over. Normal service in the military could not simulate the actual war. So they chose the next best thing.

Every newcomer was to go through the process of initiation, similar to WW2 in length, starting from the lowest rank. The initiation process allowed original members the time to cultivate the same values and protocols in the new members before accepting them as equals. The new members progressed through the ranks according to their progress and contribution to the group. The new members accepted that hierarchy as part of their integration process. They also accepted all the elements and protocols as part of their training. They earned their ranks. They in turn supported the training of newer members in the same way, following the same program. The image of the original group, their values and ethics, to which they trained the newcomers to aspire, was called the Old Guard. It remained the ideal, the people who represented the old traditions, and the new people who kept that image alive and lived accordingly are called the Old Guard.
 
 We, as lifestyle Leather people, feel very much like outsiders too. We don’t belong in a general kink community, which is based on sensation and play. We don’t belong in any religious community. We don’t belong in any spiritual, new age community. And we want to belong. We have a deep need to connect to others who feel the same way. Who live their lives according to the code of honor. This is because we live with our bodies, souls and hearts. We have a strong spiritual drive, but it is unlike any other in the spirituality based individual practices. This is a spiritual need to be part of something bigger, something important; something that benefits others and makes us belong.
 
When we do form that society, we want to keep according to high values we built it around. We want to keep it the same way we formed it. We feel disappointment and loss when our values, our raison d'être, are being diluted. The newcomers join for the same reason we did, they want to be taught. But at the same time they struggle. They need a reason to understand the need for learning and for following a certain path.

It is the same principle as a relationship with a psychiatrist: you want their help, yet you argue with them. Why? Because something within you has to argue. Because you are an individual who wants to leave their special imprint on the world. Because we all want to matter. Although part of you knows deep down that they know where they are leading you to, your individualistic part rebels.
Yet, there are some among us who want to keep that tradition. We keep it for ourselves and also for the newcomers, who even though they fight it, do realize it is good for them in the end.  We are the keepers of tradition, we are the wise people of our tribe, who have the responsibility to carry the torch forward, to lead by example. This is our role, our duty and our honor.
 
We obviously changed some rules to match our generation. But even with these changes, we do our best to preserve and impart the tradition forward. There are variations on the exact protocols, as they used to be. The variations are minimal. We chose a version and follow it. Everything we do, everywhere we go, everyone we interact with, we uphold these protocols and ethos.

There are no times outside of the protocols. Protocols provide the framework for our lives and relationships. We laugh, cry, play, eat etc. If there is no protocol for an activity we ask our peers, we look for it everywhere or amend an existing one.
We seek advice when we need, and give advice when asked. We are never too busy to teach.
We are part of a community and seek to give at every opportunity we have.
We don't drink much and don't do drugs. We remain in control of our senses.
All our private relationships are pre-negotiated and built using protocols. Emotions develop of course, but protocols are never changed.
We create families, close and extended. Every person lives their life knowing their precise position within family and larger community.
We accept responsibility for every new member to teach and support them in their journey.
Every person belongs, is never alone, or unsure of their position in regards to any of the other fellow community members.
We never arrive at perfection. The ideal image is just that, an image. We strive, we seek, we learn, but ultimately this journey is a continuous learning.
A person becomes a Master when the community acknowledges her or him as such. The main attribute of such person is their value as a leader in this journey. We acknowledge that person as a tradition keeper and someone we want to follow.

This is my take on a Leather journey.

Unlike sex, which is a known quantity, which we know about from very early age, which the western culture is preoccupied with, which we practice often, play is new to many of us. Even experienced players have played much less than say a few hundred times in their lives.


Play is also something that is very difficult to define. Again if we compare it to sex, sex is something that involves stimulation of the sexual organs and hopefully culminates in orgasm of all participants. Play can involve none of the sexual organs, and very rarely culminates in orgasm.
Play can even be without touching altogether. A few examples: boot blacking, boot worship, service, remotely controlled behaviors, toilet control, and many many more. So what is it, and how can we define it?


I would say that play is anything that transports the participants from normal day to day reality into an alternative one. There are many means of achieving this; play is definitely not the only one. Meditation would be what most people would try. Some people even resort to drugs, alcohol, etc. Some people experience this briefly and unintentionally. They glimpse it and dream about getting there again. 


We, as kinksters, control the journey into play space, to some extent. We decide when, with whom and how. Or are we? There is actually no control. We can aim at that, but we never know where we are going to end up when we begin every play session. There are so many variables that it’s impossible to predict outcomes. We can only hope.


We fear and hope that our emotional receptors will be triggered. We fear and hope that we will be ripped away from our reality and thrown into another for a period of time. We hope and fear it, and sometimes this mix of hope and fear makes us dismiss the notion that it’s even happening; that this is what play is about. Sometimes we just refer to it as slap and tickle that means nothing more than means of arousal. It is easier that way than face the more serious implications.


When play is successful however, it is far more than we bargained for. It connects the participants in a way that nothing else does. And that connection can linger, sometimes for hours or for a lifetime. It is very much like falling in love. You are happy in yourself and your life. Suddenly you meet someone and after a few dates you don’t know how you lived without them. In play situations you don’t even need these few dates, it can happen instantaneously. One minute you are happy socializing in your amazing outfit, meeting new people, not planning to have another relationship in a long long time. The next you are gone. Just like in Matrix, having seen the other side, you cannot go back to not seeing it.   


Sometimes you feel like you are drifting outside of your body. In rope suspensions people told me they felt like they were hanging over a few hundred meters drop, or have been gone for hours, when in fact they were about 3 feet from the ground for about 30 minutes. Sometimes people feel disoriented, as if they are floating in space, when in reality they are secured to st. Andrew’s cross and flogged. There are plenty more examples; what they all have in common is an altered state of consciousness.


On a chemical level, play, and especially good play, releases endorphins and induces a sense of euphoria. It isn’t all it does, of course, but this is what happens in the body. After the play is finished and up to a few days after, a drop will occur. On a chemical level a drop is reduction of endorphins, experienced by the body.


On an emotional level it triggers all sort of things: abandonment, insecurity, sadness, loneliness, depression, just to name a few. Every person, top and bottom, will experience, or explain drop to themselves in ways that their psyche is used to interpreting negative feelings. If the play is unsuccessful, the drop will be pretty much instantaneous, negative emotions will surface immediately. The bottom or the top or both would feel disillusioned, sad, lonely, frustrated, etc. If the play is successful, the drop will occur later.


Aftercare is designed to help the top and bottom to transition back into their normal life. But what does it mean, normal?


More about aftercare in the next installment :)