Many times I am reading messages and ads of people offering service. When they elaborate on the kind of service they are offering I see bondage, anal or impact play. What that means is they are offering their body as a toy to play with.
Others offer domestic service, cleaning, ironing, and gardening.
And then others offer personal service, bath, manicure and sexual service of some sort.
Which one of these is service? The answer: all and none.
Service is giving another person what they need, when they need it. It can be all the above, or none. Every person requiring service has a personal definition of service. But that is the nature of the beast. You are planning to serve another; therefore their requirements of service are what you will need to consider.
Kinds of service
Passive service and active service
What is the difference between the two kinds of service?
Passive service is doing what you are told.
Active service is initiating action you believe will serve your Dominant. Active service is what I am going to talk about here. If your desire to be submissive to a Dom, so that you won’t be required to think, your desire will not be fulfilled. You need to think all the time. The Dominant, if they are worthy, will be thinking too, learning you, thinking how to use you, how to develop you as a submissive, planning delightful scenarios etc…
Dedicated service
In some ideologies and religions a life of service is the preferable way to live your life. It illuminates the self serving indulgences and puts your life on a higher plain. You are no longer concentrating on sating your needs and desires and instead seeing the world around you. Instead of asking what that world can do for me, you are asking what I can do to make it better. In terms of spiritual development this life is much preferable to the ordinary life.
Devotional service
Very similar to the dedicated service but it is concentrated on a specific individual. You are not only wishing to live outside of your own desires and urges, but you want to do it for a specific individual whom you see as worthy of your devotion. This kind of service is problematic. When you are dedicating your life to a spiritual progress, the big spirit or the deity is infallible. A person, as wonderful as they may be, is not. What happens when you discover they fart, just like the rest of us? Will they become less worthy in your eyes?
Self satisfying service
This kind of service is a reward of its own. You like doing it. You enjoy performing tasks for another and feel satisfaction from the action itself. This is very rare, but happens occasionally.
Reciprocal service
This is the most common type of service I encountered. The submissive feels so grateful for the play and the attention they want to give something back. That something comes in the form of service. They might enjoy some of it; other parts might bore them to death, but they do it, as ‘payment’ for play and attention. It is problematic but very common. The problem with this sort of service is it varies according to the satisfaction of the submissive. When they feel they have not been played with enough or haven’t received enough attention, their service tends to shrink or disappear altogether.
I am not saying that one sort is better than the others; all of them have flaws.
What I am saying is that you need to know which one suits you, and search an arrangement that will offer that specific kind. Or, just like with any ‘job search’. Have a look at what is on offer and adjust your expectations accordingly.
Beginnings - When do you offer service?
As a service oriented submissive you are expected to offer service. A dominant will not start requiring it out of the blue.
On one hand, when I meet a person I don’t know whether I will want to spend time with them. I need to get to know them first. However, if while I am getting to know them they don’t offer some sort of hint as to what their service would be like I might cut the acquaintance short.
I am very careful whom I allow to serve me. When service is performed a connection is formed. Expectations can start from there of time spent together, of play etc.
Two questions:
- How do you get to know someone without a commitment of accepting service from the beginning.
- How do you provide service in unobtrusive manner that will make the dominant comfortable to begin considering you.
- take one step at a time
- evaluate after every step
- control your emotions.
Sometimes they will throw a hint ‘ I am thirsty’, ‘I missed dinner’, ‘my feet are killing me’ ‘I need some fresh air’. When you hear such a hint, offer to ‘solve’ their problem. Offer a drink, a chair, a walk around the block. When you do, the dominant will start feeling more comfortable with you. They may ask you for more.
If you are at a party and they say ‘I am thirsty’ and you say ‘Me too’ I can almost guarantee they will not be impressed. If they need to find you to say ‘I am thirsty’ they will be impressed even less.
Don’t be afraid to serve a dominant even if it is just on a date. You look very desirable to others when you serve. It is the difference between watching a wall flower and a popular person at a party. If someone chose you to accompany them to an event and allowed you to serve them, you must be worth something. If you are just standing at the wall doing nothing, there is no way to know.
If you are at a party escorting a dominant, and you offer service, give your best, if just for one night. Dominants talk to each other. Imagine that dominant talking with their friends and telling them how appalling your service was…
Lifestylers and tourists are very different, but there are a few common traits. We want to feel that there is a possibility of more with the person offering the service. we need to feel interest in the other person. We want to get to know them better. We see that there is a potential for a good relationship. That based on initial contact there is a possibility they might become the submissive of your dreams.
Dominants need to be looked up to. And we want to feel comfortable. Dominants do not want to be taught how we like our service performed. We don’t like to be taught how to wash floors, clean dust wash dishes. We also do not wish to be taught how we like to be pleasured. We want not to need to do it ourselves.
Conversation
Do not talk about your play interests and limits unless asked. Obviously if a Dom is prepping for play without having asked you, that would be the time to run for the hills. On the other hand if you start talking about your play interests uninvited, you come across as selfish.
General conversation is a very important subject.
One rule to remember:
Dominants are not required to give you listening service.
On one hand they want to be entertained, on the other they don’t want to listen to you talk about yourself all the time. It has to be a conversation, two way conversation, not a monologue, on subjects of interest to the dominant. I cannot stress this enough. If you have trouble starting a conversation wait for them to do so, then offer insights.
You are not required to act dumb. On the other hand you don’t want to appear instructive in your conversation. If the dominant wants to change a subject or just to sit or stand in silence, follow their lead.
Do not argue. If your opinions differ, you can offer your opinion, but do not try convincing them that your opinion is the right one.
Do not criticize your ex to your dominant companion. Do not criticize anybody. Be positive and smile.
When you leave their company, take a few moments to write your impressions down. The practical impressions of their habits, and the mental impressions of their conversation. You will need them all later.
When invited home to serve
If you reached that stage the Dominant is considering you seriously. It doesn’t mean you are ‘under consideration’. But it does mean they are ready to test your compatibility for more than just an occasional outing.
Do not volunteer your play interests at this stage either. If they want to play they will ask.
When invited home you will probably be given directions. However some Doms might not, just to see what you will do. If you are not specifically told what to do, look around, play detective. Figure out what needs doing and ask if you may do it.
Do it gently. Sometimes offering to clean a house can be interpreted as an insult to the dominants ability to keep a clean house.
How to prepare for this moment? Learn skills. Learn to wash dishes and clean a house, if you don’t already know. Learn how to mow lawns and wash cars. Learn how to look at the whole and not just parts. Example: you are asked to prep a cup of coffee. You see the kitchen is a mess. Make that cup of coffee first then ask if you may attend to the kitchen.
Prepare yourself that sometimes the answer may be NO. It is the nature of things. You are aiming at serving another human being. They may decide that what you are offering is not what they want. Accept and move on. If your ego is not up to refusals, perhaps you are not in the right path.
I am aware that male and female doms are very different. Male doms might require physical service much quicker than female domes. But service is service. Both want to see you are eager to serve, in whichever way required. Observe and follow their lead. If you are unsure, simply ask: what would you like me to do? It might sound too simplistic, but it works. It shows you are handing over control.
What do you think about while performing the service?
About the task at hand, while also observing the dominant in case they need something. You do not fantasize or day dream. You think about the cleaning, ironing, or sexually pleasing, if this is the task.
There may be things you will be required to do that do not turn you on. This is to be expected. Do not dwell on them while serving. You will have plenty of time to ponder the future of your relationship later, when back at home.
When you leave their company, take a few moments to write your impressions down. The practical impressions of their habits, and the mental impressions of their conversation. You will need them all later.
After the first service date
When you are back home, or the next day, have a good think about what transpired at the dominant’s house. Do you think you performed well? Do you think the dominant was happy with your service? Did you also play? Was the play to your liking? I am not talking absolutes here. Rate the different experiences 1-10. Consider whether you want a repeat.
Not everyone likes the same things. When you enter into a relationship of power exchange there will be things that do not turn you on. Some things will even bore you.
You either need to find satisfaction in the fact that your dominant finds them useful and pleasurable. Or you need to just endure them.
I do realize that endurance will only get you so far. If most of the things you do together do not turn you on, I don’t see a future.
However if the things you find boring took 100% of the time, you may want to ask yourself why. Have you discussed anything before your visit? Were you honest about your needs when discussing on line, or on the phone? Did you discuss? Were you asked what your interests are?
Do you think the dominant wants to get to know you better before play? Is there going to be play?
Do you want to see them again? Do they turn you on, in general?
Where do you want this relationship to go? I’ll let you in on a little secret. There is very little a dominant will not do play-wise to a beloved submissive. If your kinks are very out there, perhaps they will ameliorate them to begin with, but with time they will go with you all the way. So when considering whether to proceed keep this in mind.
Moving on - How to anticipate?
You’ve been invited again. One thing to keep in mind: they are into you and they want to explore further. It is not a done deal; you can still fail, but they already invited you again, when they could have just moved on.
Do not treat this second invitation as your first. You already have an idea what they like from previous dates. You would have already observed some of their habits. On second date you need to come prepared to exercise what you have learnt.
Say hello in the manner you have been instructed and proceed to offer to make them their drink. You probably know what they like from the previous date. If unsure, you can ask. It’s better to ask than to make a mistake, but remembering is more impressive. If you need to ask on the third visit how they like their drink, you probably have not been paying attention.
How do you know when to offer drinks or food? A good trigger is your own thirst or hunger. A better trigger is from your previous observations and their previous instructions. If they told you once not to leave your bag in the doorway, remember not to do it ever again. If they told you to address them in a specific manner do it.
If you know they want to play right away present yourself in the way they like. When play is over, and you’ve come down, don’t just sit there, offer service.
If they liked you cleaning the kitchen don’t ask again, just do. If they liked massage offer it again. Do not assume that after play or an orgasm things are back in vanilla land. Offer to clean after your play.
Concentrate on their behavior. Do they appear tired? Do they appear hyped? Are they restless? How do they relax? Is it in front of the TV? Book? Do they take coffee/tea with their book or movie?
What kind of books or movies do they like? What kind of flowers? Observe and act.
Rule of thumb, do not just sit, unless specifically instructed to do so. If you have nothing to do, look around you and find something useful to do.
Play is exhausting for the dominant as well. Sometimes they just want to relax, by themselves. Show them that they don’t need to send you home to do that. Occupy yourself. If the entire house is already clean and they don’t want any more service just read something.
And most importantly, I’ll stress it again, if they don’t converse, leave them be. You want to make them comfortable. You want them to invite you again, and again.
Topics of interest:
How to learn someone’s kitchen (you will need it for prepping meals, making coffee, putting clean dishes back, etc. )
How to learn someone’s house (when asked to fetch something, when you are putting away folded laundry, when prepping a bath etc.)
How to perform a tea service
How to perform dinner service
How to perform bath service
How to perform feet service
How to perform massage as service
How to escort a dominant to an event
How to take care of fetish gear, including leather
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